Why Women Never Ask For What She Wants During Sex

What You’ll Learn

• Because it’s easier to see the struggles of worthiness in someone else, you’ll read a real-life story from Jane (not her real name).

• Why is Jane (aka most women) compelled to push herself so hard, ask for so little, and expect even less?

• Why communicating about sexual needs, setting boundaries, and negotiating seems to be an impasse for most women. What you can do about it.

Worthiness Is a Sexual Pillar

Here’s a sexual truth: Your sexual fulfillment can only happen when you feel worthy.

But what does that even mean? Worthiness is such a big topic, yet it’s a vague concept. 

Every sex expert talks about the importance of communication and how it can open up our vulnerability and intimate connection. Even though most of us know this–theoretically–why does the average person have a difficult time communicating their sexual needs?

The foundation to you openly communicating is feeling worthy. When you feel worthy, you own what you need from the sexual experience—which may be different from your partner's–and can ask for what you want. 

To help make it more concrete, you’ll go through Jane’s story, break down why Jane Doe doesn’t feel worthy, and then go through three ideas on how you can feel more sexually worthy.

The following is a letter from a woman we'll call Jane. As you read Jane’s story, pay attention to how Jane doesn’t feel worthy enough to ask for what she wants in her relationship.

Can you relate to her experience, and where might you feel unworthy in your relationship? What do you relate to and note what emotions bubble to the surface? For example, does Jane's letter make you angry, sad, frustrated, or something else? How does your body react? 

Jane Story

I am forty-two years old, had a baby three years ago, and am not overweight or depressed. But I have absolutely no sex drive. I wouldn't care if I went for the rest of my life without sex. Though I do have sex with my husband at least once a week for his benefit. He tries to get sex at least two or three times a week, and I usually let him know I am just too tired.

I get up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and get my three-year-old daughter ready for daycare. Then we're out the door by 6:20 a.m. every day. It is very stressful trying to get her ready. Then, I commute to my job and work for ten hours before commuting home for forty-five minutes. I finally get home at 6:00 p.m.

I'm angry with my husband for asking for sex when I'm so tired. I think it's selfish of him to think I'm going to have sex for an hour starting at 10 p.m. when I have to get up so early the next morning.

Plus, he never wants to have sex quickly. Whenever we have sex, he feels compelled to attend to my needs and keeps on attending to me until I've had multiple orgasms. I'm happy with one and try to speed things up and move him along, but I don't think he can get aroused until I have multiple orgasms.

He never seems able to have intercourse and skip the foreplay. Sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to have him spend so much time on me. I'd be fine just having quick intercourse and then being done. So, I avoid sex because it's so involved. It just takes so much time and effort.

During most of our sexual encounters, I don't fake my orgasms, but I do think of other stuff, mostly that I am not into the sex. I wonder why he can't just move it along. He has no idea I don't really enjoy our sex because I do have orgasms and tell him how great it was each time. Is it wrong to keep this up?

I love him and don't want to make this an issue in our marriage. But I am miserable inside because I feel every time we get into bed, or if I ask for a massage or some other touch, he turns it into sex. I've never had a big sex drive, but it has diminished completely after the baby. What should I do?

How Did Women Get Here? 

First, let's acknowledge how completely messed up it is that Jane is compelled to push herself so hard, ask for so little, and expect even less.

Sadly, Jane is the norm and not the exception. Her situation could be fixed relatively swiftly and efficiently if she had a direct conversation with her partner.

That’s what women are working towards: Believing we deserve to easily have a conversation where our sexual needs matter just as much as our partners.

This Isn’t Sex’s Fault

For Jane to move into believing she is worth having the sex she wants, there needs to be a shift in her mindset–from negative to positive. Currently, Jane believes sex is negative and that it’s sex’s fault. That sex isn't worth this hassle. To be clear, sex is a neutral state that we attach emotions to–meaning this isn’t sex’s fault.

Instead of pointing the finger of blame on sex, Jane needs to put the finger back on herself and ask why she doesn't feel like she feels worthy to have that difficult conversation.

Jane Isn’t Her Priority

With Jane’s busy life, sex is at the bottom of her list and not worth the trouble to walk into conflict. She doesn’t have the emotional or mental energy to take on uncomfortable partner issues and communicate her frustrations and resentments that she’s been able to avoid and has no desire to deal with.

Many women can relate to Jane spinning so many plates that trying to spin one more would make everything come crashing down. 

But at what cost? This short term solution–bottling up her resentment and staying silent–will lead to long term relationship turmoil.

Practical Solution: Change Your Mindset

A non-confrontational way to turn this situation around, is to shift your mindset from negative to positive. A positive sexual mindset can simultaneously get rid of shame and build your sexual confidence. 

The more sexual confidence you have, the more worthy you feel.

The first step is to take the emotions out and logically break down your current sexual experience. 

Let’s unpack Jane’s experience. There are several logical reasons Jane has low desire and arousal. 

• Jane is exhausted from lack of sleep and stress.

• She's running on empty and has very little time to herself.

• Jane can orgasm and is okay with the bodily act of sex, so she can rule out any medical issues.

• She walks into the sexual experience full of resentment and anger.

• She puts her needs a distant second, even though he makes sure she cums first.

• Jane has multiple orgasms with most sexual encounters and yet does not desire sex (so there has to be more to her sexual fulfillment than simply having an orgasm).

• Jane is choosing to have obligation-sex.

• Each time she chooses to have obligation sex, her guilt, shame, resentment, and anxiety grow.

• She isn't comfortable or confident enough to discuss her unhappiness about their sex life.

• She is "miserable inside" because when she asks for her needs to be met, it turns into something she doesn't want (i.e., long, drawn-out sex).

• Jane believes this is her fault (Is it wrong to keep this up?), and there's something wrong with her (I've never had a big sex drive). Jane isn't broken. Her sex is.

• Her lack of sexual desire and arousal is a natural response to the demanding situational factors in her life.

• She needs to let go of the shame and self-blame.

How do you think Jane's relationship and sex life could change if she assertively discussed one or all of these points with her husband? How do you think her husband would react to hearing this?

This Is What Jane Could Easily Do … But Will She Probably Won’t

Jane Doe's busy life has her rushing around with a demanding job and toddler, and her sexual experience needs to evolve to suit her new life circumstances.

Jane needs to prioritize her sleep and self-care, which will give her more energy to reconnect with herself and her partner.

She needs to say to her husband that sometimes sex is about what he wants—multiple orgasms and intercourse—and sometimes it should be about what she wants. But this means she would have to assertively discuss, set boundaries, and negotiate her needs with him.

Which would mean walking into conflict. Being able to communicate sexual needs, set boundaries, and negotiate seems to be an impasse for most women.

Avoiding conflict is the reason women stay stuck.

What Is Avoiding Conflict Costing You?

The majority of women actively avoid walking into a complicated mess, especially when it involves sex. Avoiding conflict is why most women stay stuck and feel "miserable inside" for the rest of their lives or until they move on to the next relationship.

You are worth so much more than this. Your partner and your relationship deserve to have you being your fully sexually expressed self.

Take Control of Your Sexual Narrative

How can Jane (a.k.a. you) take control of the sexual narrative? Without a doubt, this will include several fights, some uncomfortable feelings, setting much-needed boundaries, and a few awkward sexual moments.  

What advice would you give Jane to help her feel comfortable sticking up for herself and her sexual needs? To help her stand her ground, open up, and discuss this with her husband, knowing it will probably cause stress in the relationship.

Please email us at SensationalSexPodcast@gmail.com to tell us what you would say if Jane believed the upheaval wasn’t worth it.

Wrap Up

• Taking a step back, factually looking at the (many) areas affected by a lack of feeling worthy.

• Pick one area you want to work on. Is it: communicating your needs, setting boundaries, or negotiating?

• Instead of actively avoiding conflict, what would it look like if you stayed in that difficult conversation? Followed the awkward conversation to the end.

• What would it look like instead of being a passive player, you took control of your sexual narrative?

• Take one small step. Remember, your sex’cess comes when you follow-through.

• Celebrate and then take your next small step.

When You Don’t Think You Can … Remember

We are all rooting for your sex’cess. Because when you sex’ceed, you are raising women’s sexuality to a new, higher standard. That makes you a bad-ass human being.

When You're Ready To Step Into Your Sex'cess

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