Why You Can’t Let Go And Enjoy Sex

What You’ll Learn

• Why micro-shames are like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response.

• Because micro-shames are tiny and easy to disregard, their power is they keep you silent and looping in insecurity.

• How one woman, Alexandra, dealt with someone who body-shamed her and what she did to get her sexual power back.

What Is a Micro-Shame?

There are big shames, and then there are micro-shames.

In essence, micro-shames are the shames that go unnoticed. But their cumulative effect can be devastating to your sexual self-confidence. For example, you’re scrolling on Instagram or Facebook, and all these messages fly at you. You see that a troll called a celebrity fat, and it doesn't compute as a micro-shame.

Micro-shames often get overlooked, which are too small to register consciously but big enough to internalize and compound in the background.

That’s the problem. You overlook the micro-shames and don’t deal with them. 

The daily barrage of micro-shames accumulates, and their messages are repeated until one day, you wake up and believe it’s true. 

Why Do Micro-Shames Matter?

If you feel anxious, shameful, or guilty about a sexual activity, it will probably disrupt your body's sexual response. It will be challenging to experience sexual desire (libido) and kick-start your sexual arousal.

This blog will help you identify micro-shames, indirect comments, or subtle actions that are often unconscious or unintentional.

Micro-shames Silence you by making you feel insecure, never good enough, and never let your guard down. They stop you from being vulnerable and opening yourself up to intimacy. 

To help make sense of this, you will go through a case study from Alexandra about how she dealt with someone body-shaming her. Hopefully, her example will help you move forward and manage your micro-shames. 

How Micro-Shames Show Up On You

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing. Rachel Keller

Imagine millions of micro-shames covering your otherwise healthy sexual arousal and desire. These micro-shame triggers are in control, holding your sexual experience hostage and doing everything in their power to stop you from enjoying sex.

Where Do Your Micro-Shames Show Up?

• As soon as my partner touches me, my libido should instantly kick in and get me in the mood for sex.

• Everyone—but me—can easily orgasm.

• Everyone—but me—can orgasm in multiple different ways.

• Is it weird that I feel ashamed after I masturbate or have sex?

• I should be able to compartmentalize my busy day, long to-do list, or daily drama and quickly get into a sexy headspace.

There aren't enough hours in the day to sort through the millions of micro-shames you experience. This means you will never get away from micro-shames, but at least now you are aware of how they impact your will, want, and desire for sex.

Let's Figure This Out

To help sort through what a micro-shame looks like, there is a perfect blog post by Alexandra Murray called My Experience With Body Shaming. (Alexandra’s  full blog.)

As you read Alexandra’s confrontation, can you relate–maybe not to her exact experience, but something similar? If you relate to Alexandra’s story, make a mental note, see how it shows up on your body, and work through your situation with us as we give solutions.

Alexandra Writes

A few months ago, I embarked on a trip to my favorite store in search of a new summer skirt. As soon as I walked into the store, I spotted a lovely green and white floral skirt that perfectly fit my ‘summer skirt’ criteria. I found my size in the skirt and headed straight for the fitting room, excited to see how the piece would look on my body. As soon as I slipped into the skirt, I felt beautiful. It flared out over my hips and flattered my curves in a way that I adored. It was the perfect length for a tall lady like myself. 

I stepped out of the changing room, grinning, to show my boyfriend how the skirt looked. He matched my smile and said that I looked great in it.

As we both gushed over how beautiful the skirt was, I heard a voice behind me say,  “Do you want a second opinion?” The woman in the changing room next to me had emerged and was staring at me, waiting for a response. She motioned for me to come towards her, and despite my confusion, I did as she requested. 

At this point, I really had no idea what she was going to say. She leaned towards me and said in a hushed tone,

“Do you plan on losing weight anytime soon?”  

I shook my head.  

“Well, you really can’t buy this skirt then. It is clearly not flattering on you. You need to size up, at least. If you size up and decide to lose some weight, you can just take the skirt in at the waist!”

The woman then proceeded to explain to me how to take a skirt in, although I don’t remember what she said; my brain was filled with what felt like television static. I was heartbroken. In a matter of minutes, I had gone from not being able to stop looking at myself in the mirror to wanting to rip the skirt off my body and never look at it again. I could not believe that someone, let alone a complete stranger, told me that I needed to lose weight.

Three Things Alexandra Can Do

(1) Become Aware 

Now that you know about micro-shames, spotting one in real time will be much easier. When you do recognize the micro-shame, write it down.

The tricky part about micro-shames is that we often stay quiet because we don’t want to come off as whiners or overly sensitive. Think of it like confronting a bully. It's going to get it's way because you don't feel like you can do anything about it. Stop right there. You can.

If it’s sticking with you, you need to work it through.

(2) Identify Your Core Values 

What are fundamentally meaningful to you–family, religious, or cultural values? Now, think of what are your core sexual values. How does this micro-shame fit into what you value?

There was an interesting quote from Carlen Costa’s Spicy Fat Podcast.

Why do I feel like I have to be thin? Feeling thin doesn't feel like a want from me. Rather, a need. My need to be thin is a five percent desire for me, and 95 percent is a quest I need to fulfill for everyone else. Why, then, does everyone else need me to be thin?

(3) It’s Not Shameful to Want to Be Sexy

Part of releasing shame is to embrace that you want to be sexually connected. Alexandra cannot fully connect with her boyfriend if she’s carrying around that body shame.

Once you are aware of and identify your shameful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you can create new thoughts that fit with your sexual values. 

When those shameful memories are gone, a vacuum is created, and you can intentionally fill that space with a new positive mindset. New thoughts open you to new positive feelings, leading you to engage in new behaviors.

Let’s find out how Alexandra handled her situation.

Back To Alexandra’s Blog Post

I now hated the skirt I had loved just a few minutes prior. However, after I spent some time in the fitting room mulling it over, I decided that I had no other option but to buy the skirt. I knew that it would take time before the woman’s comments about my body wouldn’t haunt me every time I wore the skirt, but I knew that I owed it to myself to own the piece of clothing that had initially made me feel so beautiful.

Alexander’s Solution

I staged a photo shoot in the skirt with a friend to regain the confidence that the skirt had originally given me, which was an incredibly healing experience. Though it took some time, I feel beautiful and empowered every time I wear the skirt. I am proud to say that the skirt has become a staple item in my wardrobe. I feel good whenever I wear it, and I know the skirt perfectly fits my body.

(Photo of Alexandra in her skirt.)

What's Your Solution

A micro-shame's power lies in you believing it’s too much time and effort to deal with such a minor situation. That you'll come off as a weak, a whiner. Now that you know that isn't true, what’s one thing you can do today to no longer let micro-shames ruin your sex life?

We’d love to hear what you’re doing. Leave a comment.

Wrap Up

1. Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of your sexual desire and arousal.

2. Micro-shames are indirect comments or actions that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally express unnoticed shames.

3. The power of micro-shames is they are tiny and easy to disregard.

4. And they keep you silent.

5. You need to bring the micro-shames out into the open to break through.

6. Identify your core values

7. What small step will you take to feel empowered?

When You Don’t Think You Can … Remember

We are all rooting for your sex’cess. Because when you sex’ceed, you are raising women’s sexuality to a new, higher standard. That makes you a bad-ass human being.

When You're Ready To Step Into Your Sex'cess

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