How Much Sex is Normal?

What You’ll Learn

• How research shows more sex doesn't affect overall relationship happiness.

• Why the Goldilocks' standard for sexual happiness is sex once a week.

• Why–if you don’t have spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or compassionate desire, then you shouldn’t have sex.

The Most Common Sex Question Is ...

How much sex is normal? Or some version of: Am I sexually normal?

FYI, there is and never will be an answer to this question. There are too many variables at play.

Knowing this, there was an interesting Instagram post from Shan Boodram, who is the author of The Game of Desire, a popular YouTube personality, and intimacy expert. In Shan's Instagram video, she defends her stance on how much sex is normal. (Link to Shan’s Instagram post.)

Shan Boodram’s Instragam Video

Shan’s video starts with a clip of a man asking a panel how much sex is realistically normal in a marriage. Shannon responded with, “The amount of sex of whoever wants sex the least. If that’s two times a month, then it’s two times a month. And if you want to change that, then change how you have sex with that person. Love them more. Do more chores around the house. it’s up to the partner who wants it more to make it more interesting.”

Of course, the crowd chattered at that statement. Surprisingly, Shan’s fellow panellists were also shaking their heads.

Shan’s video went on to discuss Karen Gurney’s book, Mind The Gap and the difference between, spontaneous desire, compassionate desire, responsive desire and goal-oriented sex.

Compassionate desire is where you have sex, but mid-way through, you still don’t feel like it, but you want to see your partner happy. The joy of compersion, meaning you see your partner is happy, and you’re willing to do this with them. That benefit outweighs the cost of not actually wanting to have sex.

Goal-oriented sex, where you don’t want to do it at the start, but go in knowing you will like the end result. Meaning you see the end goal, that in fifteen minutes, having sex will benefit your relationship. In essence, you accept the trade-off.

Shan went on to say that when sex is initiated and you don’t feel: spontaneous desire, or responsive desire, or compassionate sex, then you shouldn’t have sex. That the person who wants sex more often needs to find the pain point and address it. Consensual, enthusiastic sex is the only sex we should consider.

Sex More Often Isn't The Answer?

A few years back, a Calgary couple decided to have sex daily for a year and then write a blog about their experience. After a few months, having sex every day became a chore for both of them. They quit six months in because having sex every day made their sexual experience and relationship worse.

Research shows more sex doesn't have an effect on overall relationship happiness.

How Much Sex Are Other People Having?

A 2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week. This is less sex, by about nine per year, compared to a similar study done in the 1990s.

It is believed that a once a week frequency is the Goldilocks standard for sexual happiness.

The Social Psychological and Personality Science surveyed over 30,000 Americans over 40 years for three different projects. It found couples who had sex more than once a week didn’t report being any happier, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.

Do You Want Sex More Often?

Focus more on overall intimacy if you want more quality sex. Sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse. Physical intimacy — including cuddling, oral and manual stimulation, and sharing of sexual fantasies — contributes to this bonding.

We have to be clear on what’s vital to our needs and then intentional about how we’re going to ensure the other spouse's needs are met. If both parties seek to ensure their spouse’s core needs are being met, this builds enthusiasm and desire.

At the end of the day, the focus shouldn’t be on hitting a “magic number” but rather on meeting the needs of both partners and bonding through intimacy as a couple.

It will take some time, effort, and change on your part, but not as much as you might think. The Sex'cess Blog and Sensational Sex podcast are here to help you with this every step of the way.

Wrap Up

If you’re trying to gauge what a “normal” amount of sex looks like in your relationship, ask yourself these questions.

• Is the quality and quantity of sex affecting your overall relationship happiness?

• Are you paying attention to and responsive desire, your spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or compassionate desire?

• Would you like to be in the Goldilocks standard for sexual happiness and having sex once a week?

• What are you willing to do today, to make the sexual experience what you want it to be?

When You Don’t Think You Can … Remember

We are all rooting for your sex’cess. Because when you sex’ceed, you are raising women’s sexuality to a new, higher standard. That makes you a bad-ass human being.

When You're Ready To Step Into Your Sex'cess

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