Sexual Shame Stops You From Enjoying Sex

What You’ll Learn

• Why you and your sexual happiness are worth the effort of confronting any negative emotions for you to move beyond them.

• It’s essential to dig into what stops you from moving forward into relaxing into your sexual pleasure. 

• We discuss a common shame women have–vaginal farts–and three ways you can overcome feeling ashamed if it happens.

For you to experience more fun and laughs in the bedroom, you need to understand how sexual shame short-circuits your sexual experience.

What is Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is feeling wrong or bad about your sex, feelings, or desires. We aren’t born feeling sexually ashamed. Instead, it’s learned from a lifetime of negative messages, judgments, or poor education.

We believe something is wrong with us and fear our partner will reject us, so we keep it a secret.

The root of shame centers on not feeling worthy enough to have a healthy sexual connection. 

Often, you aren’t able to recognize what you are experiencing is a shameful feeling. Or you aren't able to describe what your shame is. Unfortunately, this often leads to blaming other parts of your sex life.

The Shame Balancing Act

Society dictates to women every day that she can’t like sex too much or too little; that she needs to like sex just the right amount. But how much is the right amount?

Spoiler alert: The average woman is never going to get her sexuality right. Meaning she will experience shame no matter what choice she makes. That stops here. The good news is you can overcome sexual shame. Let’s discuss what you’re up against–so you know what you’re looking for and can manage it.

Your emotional response to sexual shame short circuits and confuses how you understand your sexual desires. We feel trapped, powerless, and isolated. 

It Starts With Paying Attention To Your Thoughts

You probably haven't paid a lot of attention to the thoughts you have before, during, and after sex. Now that you're aware and keep track, you might be surprised at how many of your thoughts about the start-to-finish sexual experience are negative. 

This makes perfect sense. Guilt, shame, resentment, and anxiety have been your constant companions throughout your life.

Your Sex History Has The Answers

When you wrote your sex history (Go here to download your FREE Reveal Your Sex History handbook), did you identify a few memories that made you feel embarrassed or squeamish? 

At the core of each of those memories is shame, which is, most likely, the reason you can't let go and fully experience your pleasure. 

Here are three typical shames to help you identify what your shame looks and feels like.

Typical Sexual Shame #1: Are You Uncomfortable Discussing Sex? 

Do you feel distressed, want to leave, or change the topic? Do you squirm with sex scenes in movies?

Did no one ever talk about sex to you? If talking about sex was never normalized, of course, it’s challenging to communicate about your body or sexual needs. So you use euphemisms or vague language such as “down there”?

Are you insecure? Many are concerned about being wanted, loved, accepted, and judged. Even when your partner validates and supports you, it's probably not enough. It doesn’t matter how many compliments you receive–this is you not feeling worthy of love and connection.

When we feel shame, we often make ourselves small or try to disappear.

Avoiding eye contact, hunching shoulders, crossing arms, and appearing smaller are common postures.

Typical Shame #2: Do You Refuse to Be Nude? 

Wearing clothes is a form of protection from vulnerability. Too many women don’t want to undress or be naked. Some need to have the lights off during sex.

Feeling pressure to meet your partner's expectations. Consent is an integral part of sex. It's problematic when you don't feel you can say no to sex and maintain a peaceful relationship. And feel pressure to ‘perform’ sex.

Are you uncomfortable with sounds during sex?

Sex can be noisy. Showing our pleasure with moans. When our bodies make a noise with the fluids moving around. 

Typical Shame #3: Do You Feel Guilt and Avoid Masturbation? 

Self-pleasuring brings up many uncomfortable feelings. We avoid shameful feelings to cope.

Avoidance is the most common way we deal with shame. Shame is intent on you staying quiet, keeping your fears locked up, and stuck in a perpetual loop of sexual dissatisfaction.

Avoidance means you have trouble acknowledging feelings and difficulty being vulnerable. Remember, vulnerability is the gateway to your emotional intimacy, sensuality, and leaning into your pleasure.

You and your sexual happiness are worth the effort of confronting any negative emotions for you to move beyond them.

The Next Time You Have a Vaginal Fart ...

The best way to understand how to deal with sexual shame is to use an example.

Vaginal farting or queefing is when the air is being pushed out of a vagina. Let’s say you’re doing it doggie style, and your bum is way up in the air. When your partner pulls out, your vaginal canal pulls air in … and that air has nowhere to go. So it comes out as a vaginal fart.

Women are often ashamed of the vaginal fart, even though (1) sounds are a natural part of sex, (2) both partners played a role in this noise. Women still believe it was their fault. 

Three Shame-Smashing Ideas

Let’s pretend you’re at the end of sex and have a massive vaginal fart. What can you do not to feel ashamed?

First idea: Make a New Choice

When you first acknowledge and bring attention to your sexual shame, notice your internal resistance. 

What you’ve done up to this point is, most likely, to avoid shame. You pretended like the vaginal fart didn’t happen. (It wasn’t me. The dog made that sound.)

Instead, you take the emotions out and look at it like a detective, “Just the facts.” FYI–Your self-reflection is a significant threat, and shame will try hard to have you go into flight-or-fight or hiding mode to protect yourself. 

Your awareness holds power by noticing how you usually act and the patterns you have created. In this moment, instead of avoiding and denying, you decide to make a new choice and react differently. 

You could say to yourself something like, “I get to have a vaginal fart.” This might seem like a silly thing to say, yet you’ve just drawn a line. There was the old you who let shame dictate how you dealt with this vaginal fart, and now there’s the unashamed new choice to deal with the vaginal fart.

You make a breakthrough every time you choose this new response you want to have instead of letting the old habit choose for you. Pay attention to the feeling of freedom that comes with making a new choice.

Most importantly, celebrate. You could give your confused partner a high-five because you just refused to be embarrassed by your vaginal fart. 

Second idea: Words Matter

Watch what you're saying in your head and out loud. When you catch yourself, say, " Stop!” and substitute an affirming word.

Third Idea: Write It Down & Tell A Friend

If you want to get over this shame quickly, write it down and discuss it. When you admit to someone, like a trusted friend, that you’re ashamed, it’s like taking an eraser to your sexual shame. 

This Isn’t Easy … And You’re Worth It

Think of sorting through your negative emotions as seeking the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Once you acknowledge and clear out these negative emotions, your brain has space to welcome new, fresh, and proactive thoughts. These are the kinds of thoughts that build a positive mindset and enable you to want and enjoy sex.

Wrap Up

1. Your Sex History will reveal the shames you need to sort through. (Get your FREE Reveal Your Sex History handbook.)

2. Understand what typical shames you are stuck in.

3. Become aware and bring attention when you feel shame.

4. Make a new self-affirming choice.

5. Write it down and talk about it with people you feel safe with.

So dig in, take your time, and do this right. Remember: self-compassion and forgiveness are your vehicles out of this and into the sex life you want. If you have any questions or good ideas, please email us and share.

When You Don’t Think You Can … Remember

We are all rooting for your sex’cess. Because when you sex’ceed, you are raising women’s sexuality to a new, higher standard. That makes you a bad-ass human being.

When You're Ready To Step Into Your Sex'cess

1. Get your FREE copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass. Go here.

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4. Join the Sex'cess Community to hang with like minded, groovy women. Go here.

5. Check out the award winning fiction, The Sex Course that went to #1 in its Amazon category three days after launch. Go here.