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Why Does It Matter?

Ideally, you’re having sex because it gives you pleasure and enhances your intimacy. It makes you feel good about yourself, inside and out, and helps you feel connected, strengthening your relationship. And, of course, you have sex because it’s fun.

Unfortunately, these aren’t the reasons many women in long-term relationships are having sex. Instead, she’s having sex for her partner’s satisfaction—not hers. Sex becomes waiting for his orgasm so the sex will be over.

Sex went from something that made you feel good to something that made you feel bad.

Having sex for too many women means feeling guilt and shame or pressure from her partner.

The Sex Disconnect

There’s a big disconnect between the way sex is portrayed in the media and what actually happens behind closed doors. This reality leads so many to feel sexually less-than, striving to meet unrealistic standards for sexual "normalcy."

FYI—there isn’t such a thing as “normal” sex. The only truly normal thing is the cycle on a washing machine.

When Sex Turns Into a Chore

Most couples don’t give their sex lives much thought. When you first meet someone, often, in the beginning, sex is easy and effortless. You engage in sexual intimacy because your sexual drive is strong, and sex is amazing. They assume sex will always happen magically and spontaneously, like it did when they first got together.

After the honeymoon phase, it’s like sex has done an about-face, and instead of being effortless, it can become a lot of work. It comes as a big shock when, one day, they wake up to find they’ve fallen into a sex rut.

This is where for many women, sex goes from being something you want to do—to something that you have to do. You ask yourself things like, “What’s the point of having sex when there's little or nothing in the sexual experience for me?”

Stacie’s Story

Sometimes it’s easier to see things in others than in ourselves, so let’s dive into Stacie’s real-life example to help you understand this.

Stacie is 35, (mostly) happily married, the mother of two toddlers, and the owner of a successful graphic design business. Her sex life mirrors that of every busy couple: sex was great and effortless when they first met but began to wane after their first year together.

Still, it was good enough and regular until the kids came. After weathering a few post-birthing complications and getting her kids out of diapers while still maintaining her marriage and business, she floundered to get her sex life back on track.

Intellectually, Stacie understands her relationship needs an intimate connection to keep her partnership strong over the long term. Frustratingly, her body never fully cooperates while in bed. Out of desperation, she started having guilt sex to keep her husband happy and keep their sex life as a blip on the radar screen. Sex became her “wifely duty,” and guilt sex progressed into avoidance sex.

(Can you see how Stacie is having sex for her partner’s pleasure and not her pleasure? This would be a completely different sexual experience if Stacie was enjoying sex for her own fulfillment.)

Let’s Unpack Stacie’s Sex Life

Stacie sounds like she really loves her husband and cares about her marriage, but having sex out of guilt doesn’t seem fun at all. No wonder she started to avoid it.

Stacie does not have a sexual dysfunction. In fact, The Kinsey Institute found that fewer women have sexual problems than was previously thought—only one in four American women are "significantly distressed" about their sex lives.

What Can Stacie Do to Make Her Sex Better?

When Stacie’s life changed, she was not given the manual on how to make the new sexual routine work. So she pressed on and went with what she knew—and here’s the important part—she never discussed this with her partner.

Realistically, there are many reasons why a couple’s sex life evolves from great to sideways to a sex rut. For the average couple, their sexual socialization teaches them to focus on the hot spots—boobs, vulva, and penis—and to have orgasm-focused sex.

FYI, this is how men often prefer to engage in sexual activity—which is perfectly fine. However, the problem becomes that women generally go along with what their partner wants, neglecting their own pleasure.

Goal-Oriented Sex Becomes Predictable

After a few years of not knowing how to communicate and doing their best to make sex work, women find themselves trapped in the systemic orgasm-as-the-goal sex. The result? In a magazine poll, when asked, “Are you satisfied with the variety of sex?” Overall, 68 percent of men and women reported their sex life is predictable.

The irony is that although women like Stacie have the potential to orgasm, she sometimes does but mostly doesn’t.

Why Sex Becomes Something You Avoid

At the initiation of sex, Stacie’s mind races, and she often experiences a delayed sexual response. She, like the majority of women in a long-term relationship, doesn't realize she must activate her responsive desire to experience arousal. By the time she starts to relax and moves from her head to her body, the sex is over.

If this orgasm-as-the-goal-oriented sex plays out too often, it becomes easier to finish the act—leaving him somewhat satisfied and her resentful.

Resentful sex isn’t enjoyable or likely to inspire her to want more intimacy. Many women build up unacknowledged resentment towards their spouses and their sex life. Partners can sense when their wives aren’t genuinely engaged, leaving him only somewhat satisfied too. It’s a lose-lose sexual experience.

Women like Stacie often never ask for more because she (1) doesn’t know how, (2) doesn’t feel she deserves it, or (3) feels it requires too much work. Here begins the typical cycle of her sexual life, moving from excitement to neutrality to apathy, then guilt, resentment, and ultimately avoidance.

Here’s a Little Known Sex Fact

At this stage, learning communication techniques and bedroom tricks will do little to help the couple. A woman’s most vital sex organ, her brain, may unconsciously refuse to enjoy sex.

What Can She Do?

Women like Stacie need to turn around their sexual mindset from negative to having a positive sexual mindset. She must learn how to guide her emotional response to sex from resentment to neutral to positive until she is once again enjoying sex.

Wrap Up

Take a moment to reflect and consider the following questions:

• Are you trapped in the broken orgasm-as-the-goal sex rut?

• Do you experience a delayed sexual response?

• Are you leveraging your responsive desire to enhance your sexual arousal?

• Are you hesitant to ask for what you want during sex due to uncertainty or feelings of unworthiness?

Transforming your sexual experience requires time and commitment, but the effort is worthwhile.

Making the sexual experience about you will take some time, effort, and change on your part, but not as much as you might think.

Grab your FREE 5 Pleasure Secrets of Satisfied Couples handbook. Find out more here.

Reconnect, Rekindle, and Bring Back the Erotic “Oh Yes”