- Mar 2, 2026
5 Sex'perts Share Their Smartest Ways to Ask for What You Want in Bed
- Trina Read
- 0 comments
Here’s something nobody tells you: knowing what you want in bed is only half the battle.
The other half? Actually saying it out loud.
And that’s where most of us stall. We rehearse the words in our heads, we psych ourselves up, and then the moment comes and... nothing. We either say nothing at all, or we fumble through something that lands completely wrong and suddenly the mood is dead and someone’s feelings are hurt and you’re both lying there in the dark wondering what just happened.
Does this sound familiar?
Here’s the thing, you’re not bad at communication. You were just never taught how to do this specific kind of communication. Asking for what you want sexually is its own skill, and like any skill, it can be learned.
So I asked five brilliant Sex’perts for their most practical, most doable advice and what I got back was so good I had to share all of it. Because somewhere in here is the exact thing you’ve been missing.
Do Your Homework First
Before she became a coach, Caitlin V was a professional researcher. So it probably won’t surprise you that her first piece of advice is: start with research.
Not a PhD thesis. Not a 40-page deep dive. Just enough that when you bring something new to your partner, you actually understand what you’re asking for.
Here’s why this matters more than you think. Say you want to try rope play. There’s a version of that where you love the idea of being thrown around and grabbed. There’s another version where the appeal is total restraint. And there’s yet another where it’s the vulnerability of a precarious position. These are three completely different experiences that all fall under the same umbrella term.
If you walk into that conversation without knowing which version excites you, your partner has nothing concrete to say yes or no to. But when you show up prepared, you’ve created the best possible conditions for a real response. As Caitlin puts it:
“The more specific that you can be on how it’s done and what you like about it, the best context you’re going to make for someone being able to give you an enthusiastic and informed answer — whether that’s a yes or a no.”
Do the self-reflection. Know your why. Get specific. That’s where the magic lives.
Lead With “I,” Not “You”
This one sounds simple, but the difference it makes is enormous.
Tilly’s advice centers around what she calls feminine communication — and it comes down to one rule: always speak from your own experience. Always use “I” statements. Never lead with “you.”
Here’s what that looks like in practice. Say your partner tends to rush, and you want things to slow down. The instinct might be to say something like: “Can you stop going so fast? You always rush and it turns me off.” Feel the weight of that. It’s a criticism. It puts your partner on the defensive before you’ve even gotten to the ask.
Tilly’s reframe? Try this instead:
“Hey honey, lately I have been noticing that I crave more slowness and connection in our intimacy — and I would love to explore what that would look like with you.”
Same desire. Completely different delivery. One closes a door; the other opens one.
Feminine communication isn’t about shrinking your desires or softening them into something barely recognizable. As Tilly explains, “it’s about asking in a way that doesn’t come off as criticism, judgment, or complaining.” Keep it vulnerable. Keep it warm. And — this is important — keep it playful. Sex is supposed to be fun. Nobody wants to play with someone who takes the game too seriously.
Get Out of the Bedroom to Talk About the Bedroom
This is the one that surprises people most, but it makes complete sense once you hear it.
Leah’s advice? Don’t have the conversation in the bedroom.
The bedroom is charged. It carries expectations and vulnerability and sometimes performance anxiety. It’s not a neutral space. So when you try to ask for something new in the bedroom, you’re already fighting against all of that ambient pressure.
Instead, bring it up on the couch. On a walk. Over dinner. Somewhere low-stakes, somewhere the conversation can breathe. And when you do, Leah suggests phrasing it in a way that sets your partner up to feel good about responding:
“I’m really curious — I would love to try. What do you think about that?”
That framing matters. It sets your partner up to be curious and inspired rather than defensive and caught off guard. The goal is to make them feel like a collaborator, not like they’re being handed a complaint.
♦︎♦︎♦︎
Speaking of Starting Conversations…
If these conversations feel overdue in your own life, my new book The Taboo Show might be exactly what you need.
It’s women’s fiction — not erotica, though your book club might blush anyway. Four female friends walk into a taboo sex show and instead of steam, they get truth, laughter, and some very real self-reflection. Think working moms meet Liane Moriarty, but with more heart and fewer perfect lives. It’s funny, honest, and a little provocative.
It’s about friendship, not fantasy. And it just might start the best conversation you’ve had in years.
♦︎♦︎♦︎
Meet Them Where They Are
What happens when you’re already in the moment and you realize something isn’t quite working?
Dr. Willow has a technique for exactly this, and she calls it a real art form.
The key is to never make your partner feel like they’re doing something wrong — even if they are. Start with appreciation first. As Dr. Willow coaches her clients:
“Always start with — I love what you’re doing right now, it feels so good. And then: I think I would be able to feel it even more if you went about half the speed and about half the pressure… and then if you just move your hand a little bit to the left.”
Notice what’s happening there. You’re not correcting them. You’re building on what they’re already doing and showing them a path to something even better. They feel appreciated, capable — and far more likely to actually follow your lead.
Never make them wrong. Always make them feel like they’re already most of the way there.
Know Your Own Body Before You Try to Describe It
Jana gets at something the other experts don’t address directly: sometimes the block isn’t that we don’t know how to ask. It’s that we genuinely don’t know what to ask for.
And if that’s you, you’re not alone. A lot of women have spent years focused entirely on their partner’s experience, their own pleasure always secondary or afterthought. So when someone says “tell me what you want,” the honest answer is... I’m not entirely sure.
Jana’s solution is to create what she calls a pleasure map — an exploration of your own body that goes way beyond the obvious. As she discovered herself:
“I started creating this pleasure map in my body and it didn’t only mean hands on vulva — it meant I love the inside of my elbow being caressed, I realized I loved my calves being scratched.”
When you know your own body with that kind of clarity, you stop needing your partner to guess. You can tell them, confidently and specifically, what you want. And that opens up a whole other level of conversation — because when they see how clearly you can articulate your own desires, it gives them permission to do the same.
That’s where intimacy actually levels up.
The Thing All Five of Them Agree On
Read back through all five pieces of advice and a theme emerges:
Asking for what you want is never just about the ask.
It’s about the preparation you do beforehand. It’s about the language you choose. It’s about the timing and the setting and the tone. It’s about making your partner feel like a teammate rather than a suspect.
None of this is complicated. It’s just not stuff most of us were ever taught.
Communication is a skill. Which means it’s learnable. Which means you can get better at it. And the better you get, the better everything else gets too.
So pick one thing from this list. Just one. And try it.
Meet Our Featured Experts
Caitlin V, Intimacy and Relationship Coach
Tilly Storm, Women’s Pleasure, Confidence, and Sexuality Coach
Leah Piper, Relationship and Intimacy Expert, Founder of More Love Works, Tantra and Somatic Coach, Co-Host of Sex Reimagined
Dr. Willow Brown, Doctor of Chinese Medicine, Taoist Sexology Expert, Co-Host of Sex Reimagined
Jana Danielson, Pelvic Floor and Perimenopause Expert, Founder & CEO of Cooch Ball
