A study just came out claiming that men who do more housework will get more sex. Superficially it’s a no-brainer—less work for her means she’s more relaxed and ready for sex.

However, it makes me wonder if this will become yet another excuse, in the litany of excuses women have, not to have sex. Plus, this leaves men looking like the bad guy, again, always lurking to get a little sex—it’s really not fair for him and sets up a poor couple dynamic.

Here’s the article. I’ll leave it up to you to make your own conclusions.
This article was published by Agence France-Presse, March 7.

WASHINGTON: Men seeking more frequent intimate conjunctions with their partners could do well to take the bins out. And maybe wash a few dishes.
This is the observation made in a new paper released on Thursday by Council of Contemporary Families (CCF), which reports that American men have doubled the amount of housework they do and may be having better sex because of it.
“By and large, the more men do around the house, the happier women are,” said sociologist Scott Coltrane of the University of California, Riverside, a co-author of the report published.
Cleaning the pool
“When men do more of the housework, women’s perceptions of fairness and marital satisfaction rise and the couple experience less marital conflict,” the report says.
The reward for menfolk who help out around the house could be more sex. “We sociologists generally don’t go there, but therapists say there’s a direct correlation” between men doing more housework and the frequency of sex, said Coltrane.
In a comment posted on the CCF website, psychologist Joshua Coleman agreed that sharing household chores “is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction - and sometimes more sex, too!”
“Wives report greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participate in housework,” Coleman, who is a senior fellow at the CCF, said.
Housework habits
In addition to doing more boring chores around the home, American men spend three times more time with their kids today than they did in 1960, the study said. The time women spend with their children has doubled, it said, speculating that both mothers and fathers have set higher parenting standards for themselves.
But all that time spent parenting could have a negative effect on a couple’s intimate relationship. “The increase in parenting hours on the part of both husbands and wives may pose some threats to the couple relationship since many couples have increased their time with their children by eliminating or greatly reducing time for romance,” Coleman wrote.
Happily, though, the phenomenon of men chipping in around the home appears to be global, Coltrane said, citing work by co-author Oriel Sullivan, a woman, who is a professor of sociology at Ben Gurion University in Israel.
“Men everywhere are doing more,” said Coltrane. “Even Italian men and Spanish men are doing more…not huge amounts but more than they used to,” he said.
Sexual equality
Even if men still lag far behind women in terms of what they do around the house, they are moving in the right direction and the gains are unlikely to be reversed, the report summarised.
“Men are still only doing half as much as women do, but we see the bar inching up and we think the process is irreversible,” said Coltrane.
The hard-earned gains have been made in spite of the poor social support system for working families in the United States, the report said.
“The U.S. guarantees no paid leave for mothers in any segment of the work force, leaving it in the company of only Lesotho, Liberia, Papua New Guinea, and Swaziland,” the report said, referencing a study published last month.
The full report on men and women sharing household tasks is to be presented at the CCF’s annual conference next month in Chicago.

I’m a big fan of Cory Silverberg’s sex columns . To read this entire article the full article go to: http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexual_worries/a/erection_prob.htm

Erections in some ways are like the canary in the coal mine. A man’s ability to get and maintain an erection can be impacted by everything from diet and stress to medications and disease. Sometimes erection problems are a known side effect and other times they can be the first sign that something is wrong (or at least the first sign either of you notice).

Erection problems may be caused by many factors, and could be the result of more than one issue. In some cases, the erection problems are a symptom of a bigger problem. For example, several studies have pointed to erection problems as an early warning sign of cardiovascular disease. In other cases, erection problems result from the treatment or a side effect of a condition (for example from medications used to treat a disease, or stress caused by living with an illness or disability). The earlier you start talking with your doctor or healthcare provider about erection problems the sooner you can either rule out bigger issues, or start to deal with them to resolve your erectile difficulties. Here are some causes of erection problems:

• Disability, diseases, chronic illnesses and conditions, such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, hypertension, thyroid conditions, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injury.
• Treatments for physical and mental illnesses and conditions, for example some treatments for prostate cancer or medications to treat physical and mental illnesses.
• Mental health issues, including depression and post traumatic stress disorder.
• Recreational drug use, including smoking, alcohol , and other drugs.
• A variety of external factors including stress, diet, financial problems, problems at work, etc.

For the full article go to:http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexual_worries/a/erection_prob.htm

To read more well written columns by Cory go to http://sexuality.about.com

This is an excerpt from Dr. Pega Ren’s well written, informative e-newsletter. To sign-up go to: smartsextalk.com .

Bright, reasonable people with successful careers and happy families can lose everything to the greedy mistress that is addiction. What begins as an occasion enhancer—a drink, a pill, a snort—soon becomes necessary to enjoy a social event at all. Eventually the drug of choice requires no excuse. When we try to stop or cut back, our body screams its objections and we realize we now need the drug simply for maintenance. We are addicted.

When we apply this template to sexual behaviour that is out of control, we can see that it does not fit. Though we may consider the thrill of seduction a high, we do not suffer physiological withdrawal without it. If confined to a room with our hands tied behind our backs, we do not sweat and vomit, suffer DTs, or experience hallucinations until we can enjoy the relief of an orgasm once again. The addiction model requires a physiological component that “sex addiction” lacks. Let’s examine this from another angle.

If given free access to sexual expression, we each determine our body’s comfortable rhythm, which may be once a day, once a week, or once a month. There is no right or wrong answer to this question. We run into trouble, however, when someone else—anyone else—tries to impose their values on our appetites, preferences and desires. Such imposition results in either suppression and resentment or rebellion and resentment.

Take for instance the social expectation that, once married, a man should desist from looking at and appreciating any other woman than his wife.

(Although I am directing this article at men, I assure you this issue is not gender-based. Women are not immune from the effects of guilt and shame surrounding their sexuality and often act out in the form of indiscriminate sexual behaviour. It is no more or less damaging for their lives than for their male counterparts, though they may be able to fly under the radar a bit longer. Everything I say in this article applies to all people.)

Talk show hosts and many psychologists will label attendance at strip clubs, viewing porn, or ogling pretty girls as equivalent to cheating, and wives will echo the philosophy. After years of furtive peeking and punishment when ‘caught,’ men learn to suppress their desire. Sex in the marriage becomes stale and routine. They may sometimes plug in to some images on the Internet if guaranteed an uninterrupted interval, but the thrill is dampened by the guilt.
Research of the Month

Some men, however, rebel at this expectation of extramarital psychological chastity. Many know well that they can lust grandly without cheating, and they rebel. Sometimes this takes the form of living fractured lives. They love their wives and make happy families, but refuse to be erotically hamstrung. With no acceptable avenues to express their other desires, they get a thrill from exercising their lust in what they believe are private places and moments. They tell themselves that if no one knows about it, no one gets hurt.

These men need other women to reassure them that they are still sexually alive and desirable. They need to know that marriage has not sealed them off from sexual adventure and allure. They need the stimulation, the arousal, the chase. Sadly, it is always coloured by guilt, which dulls the reward and demands ever more stimulation.

You can see how a ravenous cycle can develop. The more guilt a person feels, the more reinforcement he needs that he is desirable. The conquest quiets the anxiety, yet somehow is never enough to offset the guilt. The cycle becomes consuming. Balancing life at home with a secret life elsewhere brings a sense of power and risk that is heady and intoxicating, but eventually exhausting.

Nevertheless, this is not an addiction. It is poor judgment and weak impulse control. It is a reaction to feeling guilty about feeling sexy. That is the problem, and that is where the solution needs to start.

Psychologists untrained in sex therapy often promote an abstinence model for sexual addiction. They will tell you that if you can eliminate desire and arousal, you can manage your sexual behaviour. How sad that eradication of desire would be anyone’s goal!

Sex therapy takes an entirely different approach to troublesome sexual behaviour. It begins by assuming that desire is, well, desirable, and that the goal is reasonable and healthy management of behaviour.

Sex therapists examine and debunk the taboos associated with sexuality. Each client is encouraged to determine his own sexual identity as it works best in his life. We explore options for how best to incorporate healthy, loving sexuality into their meaningful relationship(s). We analyze self-esteem issues to see what part they play in this self-destructive dance and choose better tools for finding solace and affirmation.

This may sound like a long and painful process, but most of the clients I see who present with “sexual addiction” find that taking personal responsibility for the causes of their poor impulse control and unhealthy relationship with sex brings them relief from their distress in remarkably short order. An offshoot of this restored personal control is a new appreciation for their primary relationship and a subsequent improvement on that front.

It is true that some are not interested in looking within themselves and taking control of their behaviour. This is generally evident in the initial session. Some people like the idea of having an addiction; they like having something external that excuses their behaviour. For these folks, there are sexual addiction programs.

However, if you balk at the notion of extinguishing your desire and arousal, if you know in your heart that you control your behaviour, if you would like to make peace with your lust as well as your relationships, please consider therapy with someone trained specifically in sexuality.

The following is an excerpt from a on-line magazine. My apologizes for any copywrite infringement as I am not able to cite the author. Just so very interesting that I’m willing to take the risk and post it on my blog.

Researchers are clearly developing a solid body of evidence that love is indeed as much physiology as psychology. A chemistry between lovers is not just a turn of phrase; it is a torrential release of brain chemicals and hormones. For convenient reference, just in time for Valentine’s Day, here is your own periodic chart for love:

Phenylethylamine

Scientists have found that phenylethylamine, or PEA, is a neurotransmitter chemical in the brain that causes you to fall madly in love with someone. It is a natural form of amphetamine that floods the regions of the brain involved in sexual excitement.

Studies show that people who profess high passion for each other have equally high levels of PEA. For that reason, San Diego-based sex therapist Theresa L. Crenshaw calls PEA the “molecule of love.”

“PEA could well be the visual component of the chemistry of love at first sight,” writes Crenshaw in her 1996 book, “The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships” (Pocket, $14). “We do not know how sight can cause this response, or how it is processed through our body and brain. We do know the response causes a circulatory surge of PEA.”

Trouble is, scientists concur that the effects of PEA last only for about the first three to five years into a relationship. Friar says this time frame fits nicely into the human development theory that early man stayed with his mate long enough to procreate and then protect the child during early years of life or until the child was useful to the local clan.

“Marriages don’t last on PEA alone,” Friar says.

It’s also possible to work up a new batch of PEA for another person, which can explain affairs or people giving themselves a second (or third or fourth) chance at true love. Friar says the PEA levels for some people may never be as high as they were when experiencing their first love. But others–thanks mostly to heightened thinking by the frontal lobe of the brain about common interests or shared goals–can actually experience an even greater PEA level later in life than they did in the teenage or college years.

Oxytocin

Before doing any quick calculating about the doom of your own relationship, know that oxytocin is a brain peptide that can flow to the rescue of what otherwise could be a short-lived relationship. It is secreted from the pituitary gland and bathes the brain and reproductive tracts of both women and men. This chemical wash increases our sensitivity to touch and encourages grooming and cuddling in both sexes. It also reduces stress-causing hormones in the body.

Oxytocin is released every time we hold hands or snuggle up close to someone. It bonds us with the people we love most, whether a lover, child, family member or friend. Studies show oxytocin levels peak during orgasm and, for women, delivering a baby and breast-feeding are both actions that send oxytocin levels skyrocketing. A labor-inducing drug, Pitocin, is a form of oxytocin.

Crenshaw labels oxytocin as “hormonal superglue” that keeps us connected to one another long after the PEA wears out. She says touching is a key element of producing oxytocin, and “touch deprivation” is a sure way to deplete your supply. Consuming too much alcohol also can decrease oxytocin levels.

The oxytocin effect is more powerful in women, probably because it works in concert with estrogen (more plentiful in the female body) and is subdued by testosterone (higher in men). Research shows that men who regularly stimulate their mates’ oxytocin levels are treated by those women with greater affection.

Friar says some researchers have found oxytocin levels dip below optimal amounts in men and women if a couple doesn’t reach orgasm twice each week (which explains Friar’s dates in his planner). What’s more, one study of 3,500 individuals finished in 1999 by psychologist David Weeks showed people who have sex at least three times each week appear 10 years younger than their actual age. He interviewed subjects from the U.S. and Europe.

Weeks, an American psychologist on staff at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland, reasons that oxytocin and its role in affection is one reason for such youthfulness.

“It’s not a case of these people having more sex because they look younger,” he says. “They actually look younger because they are having more sex in loving, stable relationships.”

Pheromones

These are chemicals in the body that send signals to others through a subliminal passageway of scent. Scientists widely accept that animals communicate and mate by smell. Another given is animals can be warned of impending danger by scent.

It has long been thought humans were less susceptible to such basic olfactory signals. A University of Chicago researcher, Martha McClintock, seems to have proved otherwise. You may know about her work that found college-age women who live together develop similar menstruation patterns.

McClintock took the concept a step further in a 1998 study published in the scientific journal Nature by showing the perspiration of a woman just before or after ovulating can accelerate or delay the onset of menstruation in other women by 12 to 14 days. She used underarm pads (treated with rubbing alcohol to “hide” the smell) from the ovulating women, wiping the pads under the noses of the other volunteers in the experiment. Pre-ovulation pads shortened menstrual cycles in two-thirds of the women, while post-ovulation pads lengthened the cycles to be in sync with the perspiring women.

McClintock connects the results with human pheromones, although they are substances we don’t necessarily recognize on any conscious level (and no one seems to know how the body or nose detects them). She and others now are pursuing more research on pheromones; it is possible pheromone treatment can help with fertility treatments, while some scientists believe pheromone-based drugs might help address depression and stress.

Crenshaw says she expects future studies to show that pheromones can affect sex drive and appeal.

Serotonin

A shortage of this brain chemical is widely associated with depression. Antidepressant drugs such as Prozac are designed to increase serotonin levels, as can pleasant dinner conversations with your mate. In animal studies, high levels of serotonin encourage selectivity in mates while lower amounts are associated with less discriminating choices of mates and overly aggressive sexual behavior.

“Serotonin increases when you are feeling good about yourself,” Friar says. “Loving someone and being loved are among the best ways to feel that way.”

1)    Women who read romance novels and erotica want sex twice as often as women who don’t

2)    Eighty five percent of men want their partner to take a more active role in sexual play by choosing the position, place and activity.

3)    There are about 200 million sperm in each ejaculation. In just 10 ejaculations a man produces enough sperm to fertilize each of the world’s two billion reproductively mature women.

4)    Women with the highest education are more likely to masturbate. Forty-one percent of women who completed high school never masturbated, whereas 93 percent of post-graduates indulge.

5)    Twenty-six percent of women aged 18 to 35 have used a vibrator at least once.

6)    Men aged 12 to 19 think about sex at least once every five minutes.

7)    Number of men who continue masturbation after marriage: 72 percent; women 69 percent.

8)    Ninety percent of women would pick cuddles over orgasms if they had to choose between the two for the rest of their lives.

9)    Number of women who enjoy receiving oral sex: 73 percent. Number of women who like giving it to him: 24 percent.

10)  World distance record for ejaculated semen: 8.5 feet.

11)   Number of women who cannot orgasm just by penetration: over 93 percent. Only 30 percent of women can consistently climax through intercourse.

12)   Number of women who admit to faking an orgasm: 92 percent.

Dear Dr. Read,

I am a 28 year old male currently separated with a daughter (who is with my wife). I read your article “What’s A Guy To Do?”, and it really hit home for me. In fact, my separation from my wife is a result of what you talk about. I’m sure you get many emails about things like this, but I hope by some miracle you could respond to this one. I am desperate for my family back.

Back in Sept. of 2005, my wife and I had a beautiful baby girl. She’s actually our little miracle child because my wife had started experiencing early menopause about 3 years prior. Because of her high hormone count, the doctor’s had ruled out the chance of her ever having a child (including in-vitro). Well, as thrilled as we were, we quickly came down to the reality of dealing with the stress of having a newborn. We also were dealing with the stress of my immigration into Canada (I’m from the States) which prohibited me from being able to work. Needless to say, there was no intimacy between my wife and I, and there hadn’t been since about the 2nd trimester.

Anyways, the rest kind of followed like your article said. I was totally frustrated, and really didn’t know to communicate that to her. Eventually, it led to me being in a bad mood all the time. I sometimes would say things that were really unkind because I felt like she was ‘doing’ this to me. I know of course, in my rational mind how stupid that pattern of thought is, but at the time it just spiraled out of control. In addition to that, I also was really not equipped well to deal with this. My mother was an immigrant from Korea who was extremely abusive both physically and emotionally. My father was a Schizophrenic.

I had never been taught how to constructively and properly communicate my feelings with someone I loved. The truth is I loved my wife so much that it hurt to not be able to share that intimacy with her. I felt isolated from the constant rejection.

We both withdrew from each other. She because though she didn’t understand what was happening to me internally, externally she was being treated unfairly without any appreciation for the sacrifices she was making. I withdrew as a result of lack of communication and intimacy. It got so bad that I couldn’t even approach her for a kiss.
At least that is how I felt. When I realized the only outlet I had for any sexual connection over the past year had been with myself, I started to really panic. I felt an anxiety that things would not get better. She was totally unresponsive, and I had no idea what to do. And so, I left.

On the surface, I appeared apathetic, but really I was so incredibly sad. I was also angry that she hadn’t cared about what I was experiencing. Although, I wasn’t effective at communicating that to her. In fact, I’m not sure I communicated anything besides all the negative emotional charge of not having had sex for the past year. More importantly, that I hadn’t had sex with my wife whom I love.

There was a very dark period following the split. She would have rather seen me dead than alive. Over time, things gradually got better. I finally decided that I would reach out, and just let her know that I was sorry. I wanted her to know that I had acknowledged that I made a mistake. As a result, we now talk on a friendly basis. I worry though that all this has damaged the relationship so much that it can’t be repaired. Maybe she’s fallen out of love with me. I don’t know.
However, I do know that many couples survive far worse things and come out stronger so I am hopeful.

I have written her a letter and asked her over the phone to give it another try. I love my family, and really don’t want to go through a divorce. The problem is I don’t know how to talk about this problem with her. I don’t know how to really let her understand what it was like for me at that time, and that those actions were the result of no intimacy. I’m writing with the hopes that you can give me some insight into how to resolve this issue. The truth is I think there is a valuable lesson about the dynamic of marriage that can be learned by both my wife and I. I’m not looking to excuse my previous behavior , but rather have it understood. I will do anything to save my marriage.

Your advice would be so greatly appreciated.

Response from Dr. Trina

It seems couple counseling is the only route to take. Reading books and information on websites are limited in how they can help your situation. You need an impartial person to help you two start communicating around the difficult issues.
After an email exchange here’s some more…

Thanks for responding Dr. Read. I appreciate you taking the time to write back.

I have suggested counseling, but it is still unclear whether my wife is even willing to give our marriage another chance. I’m not even sure that she even loves me at this point. I don’t mean to sound so tragic, but I’m sure you have seen these things happen. Regardless, I will continue the good fight.

If you feel that this may help other people in this situation, then you have my permission to use the letter as you see fit. In the meantime, if you have any other final suggestions to help me at the very least convince my wife to go to counseling, it would be greatly appreciated.

Response from Dr. Trina

Unfortunately, there is no way you can force your wife to take counseling; if you did, she would come as an unwilling participant and waste everyone’s time.
What you can do is go take counseling for yourself. Hopefully she will see how your efforts are a sincere showing of your commitment to the relationship. It might take a year or more for her to come around. Regardless the investment of time will be well worth it…even if she decides never to take counseling and your relationship doesn’t work out. At least you will be a much better mind space.

Good luck,

Dr. Trina’s Point

Brian do you remember the Woody Allen movie where on a split screen, Mia Farrow says to her psychiatrist, “He constantly wants sex-three times a week.” On the adjacent screen Woody Allen says, “We hardly ever have sex-three times a week.”

I believe women do want sex as much as men. The challenge it has to be memorable sex.

If any of you men are wondering why your gal isn’t as enthused about sex as you it’s probably because…are you ready…the sex is all about you, not her. Women would like sex to have a beginning, middle and end.

Instead she gets, the all-about-the-man-sex-you clutch and grab her three hot-spots, she hopefully has an orgasm and if not, oh well, there’s always next time, and then it’s on to you (finally!!!!!). After a few months of that old and tired routine other things bring more stimulation, like reading a romance novel.

It’s not rocket science Brian. Estrogen is far more powerful on female sexual desire than testosterone could ever hope to be. Think of when a woman is having her horny day. Heaven help the man if he doesn’t pull through on a booty-call.

Men have 2 to 20 times more testosterone than women but this does not mean men have 20 times the sex drive. A higher level of testosterone is needed for male sexual desire than for women.

And the thing that kills me Brian is guys get all wigged out if the gal is sexually assertive. Tracy Cox in her Hot Sex writes, “These days, it’s just as likely to be her ripping off your suit and you’re complaining you’re too tired. And as women become more comfortable with sex, men are becoming less secure.”

Hmmm. Let’s think about this. Men say they want an equal and active partner and when it happens his little head goes into hiding.

Most women see sex as an emotional connection time. When she doesn’t feel that emotional connection because sex is only about having an orgasm, sex becomes one more thing on her to-do list.

Bottom line Brian: In order for women to want sex more, men have to give us a reason to have sex more. Stop making the sex all about you.

Dr. Brian’s Counterpoint

So Trina.  I agree that many women have equal or stronger sex drives than us men, but many do not.  Here’s the proof.  Research shows that 30% of women suffer from lack of desire.  In fact, it’s the number one reason you chicks aren’t getting busy in the bedroom.  By the way, only 14% of men suffer from it.

A recent ELLE/MSNBC.com survey found that 66% of men in a relationship said they want more sex compared to only 25% of women.  And, men are more likely than women to be very disappointed with the amount of body contact they get in their relationship.

During a presentation a teenage boy once asked, “Is it true that guys think about sex over 30 times per day and girls only think about it once per day?”  For a teenage boy this is most likely true,but is it true for adults?

I’d have to agree that many men do think (or at least talk) about sex daily.  And, men are easily distracted by the slight chance they might get some.  If you rub up against a guy’s tender region while in the kitchen, he’s likely to bend you over the table.  Do the same thing to a woman and you’ll get whacked with a rolling pin.

And you’re right Trina, some guys only care about releasing their little soldiers.  But many men will flick the ticker till their playmate has had triple digit o’s.  Well, more likely one-to-one, but who’s counting?

Men also turn to some umm… one hand reading material to release tension.  If there is one thing that should prove that men are hornier, it’s that we jack much more than you jill.  Studies repeatedly show that about 25% more men than women engage in solo sex.

So Trina, here’s my bottom line.  Men and women have to work together to find a level of sexual frequency that works for both of them.  Try to work towards a bedroom compromise.  Scheduling sex together also works for a number of couples.

Don’t concern yourself with quantity.  A once a week jolly ol’ romp is better than a routine starfish lay three times per week.

Don’t make sex a routine, try new things, and take turns initiating and your sex life will improve drastically.

P. S. Trina.  Us guys will agree to service you gals on your horny day as long as you girls make Mr. Happy happy on his twenty horny days.  Deal?

(For more information about Sex Doctors, go to www.sexdoctorstotherescue.com)

Calgary, Alberta–June 19 

What happens when a married woman keeps having single woman sex? Her sex life becomes frumpy, uninspired and just plain dull. In fact, too many women’s sex lives have become a hit and miss (mostly miss) target, leaving both partners to feel resentful, guilty and apathetic.

A great romp in the sack can take twenty years off of a relationship; keeping a couple strong, healthy and vibrant.

Ladies, it’s time to take back your sexuality and have your sex life go from drab to fab.

Here’s your chance to learn the best kept sex secrets of satisfied married women.

Discover

•     Ten crucial steps to making married woman sex work in your relationship

•     How to start the married woman sex chain reaction

•     How to keep your relationship’s sex momentum going You will receive